Natural Familly World » Parenting Traditions

What I’ve Learned From Indigenous Mothers

Monica — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:09:00 +0000

Living in the modern capital city of a developing country has allowed me to see traditional moms from many indigenous cultures, as well as middle class city dwellers, very westernized families who live like in the US, and even those who hire a nanny to take care of the kids 24/7.

What I’ve Learned From Indigenous Moms

Among the indigenous mamas I’ve met, there seem to be two main trends: those who use lots of physical punishment so that the child learns to obey their parents without a second thought, but also those very relaxed who let their kids wonder around, get dirty, help with adult chores, and even explore dangerous activities.

I’ve learned from both, and I don’t mean I use physical punishment at all.

Traditional and indigenous moms who use physical punishment seem to provide their kids with lots of physical contact during their first years of life. They cosleep, practice extended breastfeeding and wear their babies until toddlerhood. When the kids are older they set very clear limits on what children can do, otherwise they get punished. This has to be with safety issues but also with household or work chores, and of course with obeying their parents. These kids seem to be very attached to their parents anyway.

I don’t endorse any kind of punishment, but I still can learn from these moms in what I consider to be a good mothering attitude: lots of physical contact and clear limits.

On the other hand, I love to meet the kind of indigenous mothers who don’t rely on punishment. The city is turning to be a bad place to meet them, but those families newly arrived keep some very relaxed attitudes. When in the countryside, the kids are allowed to do all what is safe, and even what to my eyes would not be that safe. These moms are so relaxed that they don’t care if their kids make a mess or a lot of noise. Their environment is also so flexible that a spill here or there means nothing. The kids are allowed to help and they usually are what a western mind would consider “very well behaved”.

I’d like to learn to be this relaxed and open for child messes and noise, although I still want some control over safety issues. I’m an urban mom anyways!

What about you? Do you wish you’d be more relaxed? What is the perfect balance between freedom, safety and limits?

Building Communication Bridges With Your Teenagers

Monica — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 10:09:00 +0000

I’m the mom of a presschooler, but also the older sister of a preteen and a teenager. I’ve noticed that some communication hints that work for toddlers and preschoolers do work for teens. They are living a time of transitions and discoveries of their own selves, so it shouldn’t surprise us to face similar struggles with both age groups.

It’s not always easy to improve the communication bridges with a teen but it’s important to try to get through as these years and the choices they make now will have a vital impact on their future.

Here Some Hints On How to Build Communication Bridges with Your Teens

1. Watch your body language. How you move says a lot about you. When a person is tired, they tend to slump. When angered, your jaw muscles tighten and your eyes narrow into slits. Teenagers are good at interpreting body language. Yours will betray you when you are talking to them. Keep it open and honest. Avoid sitting with your arms crossed, eyes looking away from them or squirming in your seat.

2. Make eye contact. When you don’t look at the person you are talking to it says that you are either hiding something or you are not at all interested in what they have to say. Your teenager will shut down emotionally when they suspect that you are not “tuned in” to them. Sit comfortably and give your teen undivided attention with consistent eye contact. Isn’t it the same for toddlers? …Just saying

3. Keep your emotions in check. Remember back to when you were a teenager. Some of the things you said to your parents were aimed at freaking them out. Teenagers will push your buttons if they can. Don’t go overboard and get upset. Instead be creative and do the opposite of what they expect. In fact, what they really want is you to see through their ploy and find out the real problem.

4. Ask them about their day. Even if your teen only grunts or says the obligatory, “It was okay,” ask anyway. Your show of caring will go a long way to convince them that you are interested in the things that they do and how they feel.

5. Be honest with them. If you don’t understand the situation they are talking about then say so. Kids know when you are being insincere. Discuss the situation until you get an idea of where they are coming from. Your teen won’t mind explaining as long as they know you are listening.

6. Allow them their privacy. Teens value their time alone. While the policy in your home may be that there are no locks on the doors, always show respect by knocking before entering. If they don’t want to be pressed about a situation, wait until they are ready (if it’s not urgent) and then talk about it.

Parenting a child or teenager any age takes a tough skin, a willingness to be vulnerable and lots of love. We all make mistakes, and go thru difficult times, but don’t ever stop talking.

photo credit: dougtone

Routines are Good for Everyone In The Family

Monica — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 11:36:02 +0000

There are many reasons why routines are vital to keeping our family life operating smoothly. The average family doesn’t spend much time together anymore, and a routine allows us to schedule times that the family can use to simply have fun together.

If you find that there is a particular time of day or event that often causes conflict in your family, establishing a routine can help avoid this problem area. If you constantly have to remind your children to do simple tasks each day like brushing their teeth, bathing, practicing an instrument or even washing up for dinner, a routine will get them in the habit of doing these things without the constant battle. Of course, as the kids grow older, we need to make changes to our routine to accommodate new activities, but you will find that your life will be more organized and definitely less chaotic with even a rough routine in place.

Developing A Routine

First of all, every member of the family should be in agreement with the routine. Everyone should be aware of what is expected and when it is expected. It should be predictable and consistent. However, you will also have to consider how your routine will fluctuate with changes, such as trips, holidays, moving, or a new sibling. Also, ask yourself if there are things you can do ahead of time that will help make your routine flow easier.

For example, packing lunches the night before school and making sure backpacks, shoes, and jackets are ready for the morning can shave off many precious minutes the next day. Plus, you will not have to worry about a panicked search for missing necessary articles when it is time to leave.

Ideally, each part of the routine should have a goal in mind. For example, if your goal is have the kids in bed by 9:00 p.m. your routine will have to reflect that by having baths and teeth brushed by 8:45, allowing time for a story or just some quiet talking time with your child. You will have to figure out how much time each step of the routine will take in order for this to flow smoothly. Think about certain distractions that could be eliminated such as TV or video games.

Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t go smoothly right away. You may have to be flexible and rework things until you find the routine that works for your family.

When routines are a pain for the family members, then it’s time to reconsider and talk about a solution. In general, knowing what comes next helps kids to relax, cooperate and enjoy family time together.

photo credit: jula julz

Cosleeping

Monica — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:54:10 +0000

Good Morning

Yesterday I woke up in Ibarra, at my aunt’s home. I wasn’t sure where I was and why, but then I looked to my side and saw Carlos peacefully sleeping.

How I enjoy co-sleeping with him!, and what a blessing that he feels safe during his sleep anywhere we go. Next day he’s ready for a new adventure – And I am.

Today we’re heading back to Quito, with a short stop in Otavalo.

Let Your Young Kids Enjoy Helping with Household Chores

Monica — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:46:35 +0000

It is important for children of even a very young age to feel important to the family. Chores help them do this. Even a very small task will give a child a sense of accomplishment and he will feel like he is really contributing something to his household.

I’m not talking about working your children like slaves, but spontaneous cooperation is certainly something we want to encourage in our children.

When starting a small child out doing chores, it is best to start with something very simple. If he gets the hang of that, then you can move on to bigger things as well as adding chores to his “job list.”

Some general ideas that most 2-4 year-olds can do are dusting, putting away their toys, helping to set the table, putting their laundry in the hamper, and helping to feed the pet. Naturally, they will need supervision for a while until you are confident they have got it down.

For Every Child There’s The Perfect Set Of Chores

You will also need to know your child well enough to know when she is ready for responsibility. Take into consideration your child’s particular skills or talents. For example, if you child likes to talk and entertain others, perhaps a good job for him would be keeping the baby happy by playing with her. If your little girl enjoys playing house, then she might also enjoy the chore of setting the table for dinner each night. If your kids enjoy the outdoors, walking the dog or weeding the flowerbed might be a fun job.

Teaching your child to do chores also helps create a sense of respect for other people’s belongings. They learn that if they don’t put their toys away properly, things can get broken. Doing a haphazard job usually results in damage done. Chore time can become a natural learning time where your child is introduced to the law of cause and effect.

It Takes Some Mom’s Patience

At first, you will probably feel impatient knowing that you could accomplish the task much faster and efficiently. They may even make a worse mess than when they started! Accidents will happen. But as a parent, you need to try to be patient and think about the big picture. Do you prefer to let them help now that they’re eager to do so, or wait until they’re teenagers and push them into doing household chores? I’d go for the firs option

Putting forth the extra effort now will make your job so much easier down the road.

Selendang Video Tutorial

Monica — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:31:40 +0000

I found this video on how to comforbably wear an Indonesian Selandang baby carrier on your back.

When Carlos was a baby I enjoyed wearing our Indonesian Selandang for short periods of time.

For me it’s a quick and easy carrier ideal for toddlers who constantly demand your arms for short periods, for nursing little babies or just any time you need an instant carrier.

Also, a Selandang is very lightweight that you can carry on your purse, just in case.

Wanna get one?

HUGS have a good selection of 100% cotton batik print.

HUGS (Help Us Give Slings) is a non-profit that provides baby slings to mothers living in Internally Displaced Persons Camps in Indonesia

Frugal Portable Potty For ECers

Monica — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 07:29:22 +0000

My version of the Very Portable Potty System

Years ago, back when I was practicing Elimination Communication with my baby, I got to Marnie Holme’s website Noonee Wilga, where she explains her invention, the Very Portable Potty System (VPPS).

I got excited and went off to get the needed materials to build my own version of this fantastic EC gadget for my son.

When Baby Has To Go, Baby Has To Go!

There are many situations where you’re not near a bathroom. This happened to us in train stations, inside a train and a bus, airports, and dozens of places both indoors and outdoors. You may think it would be awkward, but since most people are unaware that little babies can use the toilet this way, it’s very probable that nobody will notice what’s going on.

Make your own VPPS with things you already have at home:

What you need:

An oval recipient (this is the potty). I found oval is a more comfortable shape for a portable potty for boys. I don’t know for girls;
A leak proof recipient. A baby bottle I never used ;
A small towel or absorbent pad to clean or dry the oval recipient;
A small bag for the leak proof bottle (optional). I recommend a bag with a string so you can hold the other items on your shoulder while taking the baby over the potty;
You can include cleaning wipes and a hand sanitizer (optional)

(I only included a lipstick in the picture to give you a size reference.)

Put the leakproof bottle and the towel inside the bag. Then the bag inside the oval recipient.

How it works:

Pretty simple. When the baby needs to go, take the bag outside the recipient. Hold the bag on your shoulder or just put it away while your baby goes

When the baby is done, put the recipient aside, dress the baby and put her back to the sling or on the floor.

Then empty the oval container into the leakproof bottle. If possible, rinse the container or dry with a towel. You can use it again until the bottle is empty, but you may want to void the bottle when you get to a bathroom. If it’s poo you need to keep it carefully until getting to a bathroom.

Of course, most or even all emergencies will be for pee (you’ll probably learn to recognize poo signals more clearly and in advance)

You’re ready to go! We used this portable system since my baby was 6 months old until about 18 months.

This is probably been the most useful baby gadget I’ve built myself.

Babywearing at the Olympic Games

Monica — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 08:10:39 +0000

About a year ago I made a phone call to an old friend from my short life as a mountaneer. She didn’t know I’d become a mom, so when she asked if I was still climbing mountains, my response was something like:

“well, I changed the backpack for my son. Literally, because I’ve carried him so much since he was a baby.”

Babywearing at the Cotopaxi Volcano, Ecuador

I don’t know what kind of babywearing mom I’d have been if I wouldn’t have had some experience backpacking and climbing with heavy luggage. Maybe I’d have seen the whole babywearing idea as a mothering task, who knows?

Back to my reality, I can say I have experienced our almost 4 years long babywearing journey as the most rewarding sport I’ve ever practiced. For the first time in my life I was receiving unconditional love and instant feedback on my performance. Isn’t it the perfect environment for practicing a sport?

From the first time I carried my baby inside an improvised cloth with a knot, I felt I wanted to achieve perfection, learn new techniques and try different “gear”. I kept learning. We kept learning until we became experts.

Soon we became a team when my little monkey got the hang of it. He’s always loved to ride a sling, and even enjoyed playing with me to invent new positions. We didn’t do this out of necessity, or in order to have him entertained. We played slinging because we enjoyed so much.

Back to the title of this post, I’m not suggesting that babywearing should be considered as a new olympic sport – Not that I think anyone would even find it worth considering.

What I mean is that we moms and dads, and all members of the big babywearing family, can choose to enjoy wearing our babies and even feel like elite sportsmen and women when doing so.

Want some after birth fun? Go get your gear (hey, it could be a bedsheet), learn good techniques, practice with safety and get your team partner comfortably attached to you. See you in London 2010!

Babywearing at the Cotopaxi Volcano, Ecuador. We're in black, at the right.

Is EC Suitable For Modern Environments?

Monica — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 08:00:56 +0000

One common objection about Elimination Communication as an alternative to potty training is that it’s only suitable for families living in the country side or even that it’s only for those living in the jungle. Their point is that EC could not work in an urban environment.

I believe it might even be the opposite.

I practiced EC since my baby was 10 months old, and it became a great way to deal with motherhood while getting things done as a foreign student in Japan. Over there I shared an apartment and we lived in a tatami room. What could be more delicate than that?

I took my baby to the university lab and library, where no changing facilities other than the regular toilets. Also, we were outside a lot, in parks, the train, metro, our church, restaurants and other places where changing facilities were very common.

Then, when he was 13 months old, and very clear with his potty signals, we came back to Ecuador, in a day long air trip. I took about 3 diapers just in case, and that was enough for the whole flight from Japan-US-Ecuador. I want to mention that I missed his pee cues once or twice, but most of the time I was able to hold him over the airplane or airport toilet with little effort.

Back in Quito, I found EC to be more difficult. Of course, after the long travel and change to a new environment made us loose our almost perfect communication and I decided to have him on light cloth diapers for a while.

I found that ECing in Quito was more complicated, because toilet facilities were not as widely available as in Japan. Other than that, it didn’t change that much, except for the preconception that even cloth diapering was old fashioned and “poor” looking, not to mention EC.

In Japan I got compliments when people saw my baby wearing cloth or no diapers, while in Quito people looked down at me because they thought I was making that choice out of lack of money.

A couple of months after arriving to Ecuador, I decided to stop putting diapers on my son and from that day, before turning 2, he’s not worn diapers again.

When I talk about this with indigenous people they’re not surprised at all. On the other side, if I comment the same fact to middle or high class friends, they would be astonished on how early he was “potty trained”.

All in all, I found EC being easier and more practical while living in modern and *clean* Japan.

I’ve not diapered any baby so I can’t say for sure, but it seems to me that if diapering is possible in a certain location, then ECing might be even easier.

Any thoughts?

No need for extra “mommy time”

Monica — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:52:45 +0000

I’ve been attentively observing some mom friends recently arrived to the city from the countryside. They’re part of an indigenous family I know for several years, and the younger sister is the mother of a toddler and a 6 years old boy.

I ‘ve always felt a bit strange among other moms with kids my age who express her desperate need for “mommy time”, meaning time away from their children. This hasn’t been a major issue for me, in spite of the fact that we’ve been together with my now 4yo boy every day of his life, almost 24 hours a day. We’ve had separations, but no more than a couple of hours, except for an occasion when we didn’t see each other for more than a day.

And I’m not tired from being with him nor desperately hoping to send him to preschool or a summer school. Kind of strange for an urban mom but not at all strange for my indigenous friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean I’m making a mom sacrifice nor leaving my life in the hands of my son by not having time for myself. It’s that I AM having time for myself, but it happens that as my toddler follows me wherever I go, he’s around and present during my “mommy time”.

This may be difficult to understand for those who don’t know a relaxed traditional mom with her kids, like my friend, who’s not at all complaining about having to stay around her kids all day long.

I’ve found that the lifestyle difference from other urban mamas I know is that we have continued with our adult life, and that we’re not fighting against our kids to keep them away from us. I think of myself as a monkey with a tail that goes with me wherever I go. I just keep walking and have my tail coming along as a matter of fact.

It’s nice to have my toddler as a constant company and to suddenly realize that now he enjoys similar things than myself, likes the same kinds of food, and even can keep up with my fast walking rhythm.

Longing for mama time? Maybe it’s time to bring your children closer and take them along to your interesting-adult life. It works for me and for other traditional mamas I’ve met.

photo credit: Looking Glass