What I’ve Learned From Indigenous Mothers

Living in the modern capital city of a developing country has allowed me to see traditional moms from many indigenous cultures, as well as middle class city dwellers, very westernized families who live like in the US, and even those who hire a nanny to take care of the kids 24/7.

What I’ve Learned From Indigenous Moms

Among the indigenous mamas I’ve met, there seem to be two main trends: those who use lots of physical punishment so that the child learns to obey their parents without a second thought, but also those very relaxed who let their kids wonder around, get dirty, help with adult chores, and even explore dangerous activities.

I’ve learned from both, and I don’t mean I use physical punishment at all.

Traditional and indigenous moms who use physical punishment seem to provide their kids with lots of physical contact during their first years of life. They cosleep, practice extended breastfeeding and wear their babies until toddlerhood. When the kids are older they set very clear limits on what children can do, otherwise they get punished. This has to be with safety issues but also with household or work chores, and of course with obeying their parents. These kids seem to be very attached to their parents anyway.

I don’t endorse any kind of punishment, but I still can learn from these moms in what I consider to be a good mothering attitude: lots of physical contact and clear limits.

On the other hand, I love to meet the kind of indigenous mothers who don’t rely on punishment. The city is turning to be a bad place to meet them, but those families newly arrived keep some very relaxed attitudes. When in the countryside, the kids are allowed to do all what is safe, and even what to my eyes would not be that safe. These moms are so relaxed that they don’t care if their kids make a mess or a lot of noise. Their environment is also so flexible that a spill here or there means nothing. The kids are allowed to help and they usually are what a western mind would consider “very well behaved”.

I’d like to learn to be this relaxed and open for child messes and noise, although I still want some control over safety issues. I’m an urban mom anyways!

What about you? Do you wish you’d be more relaxed? What is the perfect balance between freedom, safety and limits?

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Building Communication Bridges With Your Teenagers

I’m the mom of a presschooler, but also the older sister of a preteen and a teenager. I’ve noticed that some communication hints that work for toddlers and preschoolers do work for teens. They are living a time of transitions and discoveries of their own selves, so it shouldn’t surprise us to face similar struggles with both age groups.

 

It’s not always easy to improve the communication bridges with a teen but it’s important to try to get through as these years and the choices they make now will have a vital impact on their future.

 

Here Some Hints On How to Build Communication Bridges with Your Teens

 

1. Watch your body language. How you move says a lot about you. When a person is tired, they tend to slump. When angered, your jaw muscles tighten and your eyes narrow into slits. Teenagers are good at interpreting body language. Yours will betray you when you are talking to them. Keep it open and honest. Avoid sitting with your arms crossed, eyes looking away from them or squirming in your seat.

2. Make eye contact. When you don’t look at the person you are talking to it says that you are either hiding something or you are not at all interested in what they have to say. Your teenager will shut down emotionally when they suspect that you are not “tuned in” to them. Sit comfortably and give your teen undivided attention with consistent eye contact. Isn’t it the same for toddlers? …Just saying

3. Keep your emotions in check. Remember back to when you were a teenager. Some of the things you said to your parents were aimed at freaking them out. Teenagers will push your buttons if they can. Don’t go overboard and get upset. Instead be creative and do the opposite of what they expect. In fact, what they really want is you to see through their ploy and find out the real problem.

4. Ask them about their day.  Even if your teen only grunts or says the obligatory, “It was okay,” ask anyway. Your show of caring will go a long way to convince them that you are interested in the things that they do and how they feel.

5. Be honest with them. If you don’t understand the situation they are talking about then say so. Kids know when you are being insincere. Discuss the situation until you get an idea of where they are coming from. Your teen won’t mind explaining as long as they know you are listening.

6. Allow them their privacy.  Teens value their time alone. While the policy in your home may be that there are no locks on the doors, always show respect by knocking before entering. If they don’t want to be pressed about a situation, wait until they are ready (if it’s not urgent) and then talk about it.

Parenting a child or teenager any age takes a tough skin, a willingness to be vulnerable and lots of love. We all make mistakes, and go thru difficult times, but  don’t ever stop talking.

photo credit: dougtone

Routines are Good for Everyone In The Family

There are many reasons why routines are vital to keeping our family life operating smoothly. The average family doesn’t spend much time together anymore, and a routine allows us to schedule times that the family can use to simply have fun together.

If you find that there is a particular time of day or event that often causes conflict in your family, establishing a routine can help avoid this problem area. If you constantly have to remind your children to do simple tasks each day like brushing their teeth, bathing, practicing an instrument or even washing up for dinner, a routine will get them in the habit of doing these things without the constant battle. Of course, as the kids grow older, we need to make changes to our routine to accommodate new activities, but you will find that your life will be more organized and definitely less chaotic with even a rough routine in place.

Developing A Routine

First of all, every member of the family should be in agreement with the routine. Everyone should be aware of what is expected and when it is expected. It should be predictable and consistent. However, you will also have to consider how your routine will fluctuate with changes, such as trips, holidays, moving, or a new sibling. Also, ask yourself if there are things you can do ahead of time that will help make your routine flow easier.

For example, packing lunches the night before school and making sure backpacks, shoes, and jackets are ready for the morning can shave off many precious minutes the next day. Plus, you will not have to worry about a panicked search for missing necessary articles when it is time to leave.

Ideally, each part of the routine should have a goal in mind. For example, if your goal is have the kids in bed by 9:00 p.m. your routine will have to reflect that by having baths and teeth brushed by 8:45, allowing time for a story or just some quiet talking time with your child. You will have to figure out how much time each step of the routine will take in order for this to flow smoothly. Think about certain distractions that could be eliminated such as TV or video games.

Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t go smoothly right away. You may have to be flexible and rework things until you find the routine that works for your family.

When routines are a pain for the family members, then it’s time to reconsider and talk about a solution. In general, knowing what comes next helps kids to relax, cooperate and enjoy family time together.

photo credit: jula julz

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